Mark Cigos

I dreaded it. I hated every second of being somewhere between walking and crawling. I felt so lost on my way down. Felt like I aint ever gonna get back up from this. The blows to the soul were simply too much. Would I recover, would I ever discover, the ladder to climb back up? Sometimes you gotta hit rock bottom in order to find yourself. For many, not all, it takes a brush with brutality in order to reconfigure your ideal reality. And my perfect world, I was not yet living. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have it bad. Not one bit. But for me, not having it bad is what made it worse. Not having it bad, for I, was not living with meaning, purpose, not giving fully, all of me. It was a painful pinch to the mind and heart, a wake up zap that brought forth the lack I was living – the lack of living for others, giving to this earth before I gave to myself. Up until that point it was lazy, it was self centered, selfish. And that’s what was bringing me down, plummeting like I was strapped to five anchors.

So at age 29, what do you do? Where do you go from here? Have you yet understood, that your purpose on this planet is to do good? Not just for you, but primarily, for every single soul you walk amongst. When its all about me, you continue to forget about we. So I hit rock bottom. I hit a point where I dug so deep and screamed inside, do you love who you are? Do you love what you do? Do you give? Do you smile? Do you laugh? Do you listen? Do you look at all the people in the world and feel good? Are you here? Are you doing what you need to do? Do you really and truly, give a damn? The answers were all, no. And that’s all I needed. That was the path I urgently had to take to get face to face with the demons inside, who were, running the game the majority of my time. Aint that refreshing….finally confronting what’s holding you back. Hitting the floor before you can be more.

Like I said, I don’t have it bad. Not even an ounce. This wasn’t about living a hard knock life. It was about failing to answer and open that knock at the door. The opportunity to feel like what I was living, what I was doing, meant more to society, than it did me. And so the climb started when I started writing. That was where I found myself. That was my ladder to the surface.

Have you hit rock bottom lately? Have you ever? Will you ever? I hope you don’t. But perhaps, there may really be no other choice.

Guess I never thought much of myself for a long period in my life. Guess I forgot how to dream big, lost my eye on the grand prize. Fantasy and the impossible but always possible, ultimately became reality and nothing worthwhile is possible. What a shame. What a suppressed life. What held me back for so long? Was it me? Was I scared? What was I hiding from? How come I didn’t think I could get the girl? Get the dream job? Fill out that frame? Write that book? What made me feel inferior and short on superior? Why’d I bloom so late in life, and why am I still blooming? How long till I fully blossom? Nothing wrong with being a late bloomer. Sometimes it builds character. Sometimes it fuels you to work harder, faster, making up for falling short. Sometimes its your subconscious timer, just not ready to go off. Whatever the reason, whatever the rhyme, I eventually started to bloom, and I did it on my own time.

I guess I work slow. Maybe I don’t work hard enough. Who knows? The way I see it, we never stop blooming. Some bloom a little sooner, some a little later than others. It never made/makes much sense to me, when someone gets picked on, razzed on hard, shot down, for being a little late to the game. What game? Who’s calling the shots? All my life I bloomed tardy. Unimportant, but nevertheless part of growing up – I was late to experience the party scene. Popsicle Pete when it came to making a move on that crush in high school. Took several last cuts, and self confidence slices, till I eventually made the hockey team. Then came the stuff that came with becoming a man – Feeling I could make a real difference in the world of business, didn’t happen until perhaps a few years ago. Writing these very words I wrote right now, didn’t come out of my mind, until January of this year. Why bloom so late? What was blocking my sunshine, closing off the light? How long have I gone thirsty for living life?

I’m still growing, always will. I always should be. I should never let up on blooming. If the most worthwhile things in life are worth waiting for, then coming around late may not be such a horrible deal. Sometimes we’ve gotta move at our own pace. Feel it out before we peal it out.

I’m sharing this with you tonight, cause tonight I got a special call on my cell. My ex-colleague, a good friend, in whom I haven’t caught up with in quite a few months, ringed me up to share his fantastic news. He just got the job he and I spoke of, almost a year ago. His dream job. He called to tell me, to thank me. Confessed that I played a big role in helping him realize, realize that he needed to go for what he loved. That thing that would jolt him out of bed each and every morning. And so he did it. Maybe a little later than he would have liked, maybe a little sooner than he thought possible – nevertheless my man did it. He’s blooming.

Growing more and more, every day. Late bloomer. I hate those words. I’d rather call it growing gradually.

Geeeeeez. What the hell happened? How’d we get so sidetracked? What shook our focus so strong, that we’ve forgotten almost entirely what’s most important in this world? When did we figure neglecting to raise our children with nothing but tight care and pure love, was a good idea? Who hooked us on the notion that our health should ever take a back seat? Why’d we feel that education/educating ourselves and those around us, ended the day we tossed our caps high up in the air at the graduation ceremony? Who wrote the book on not giving a damn? Why’d they write it, and how fast can we burn all copies? Manners, politeness, courtesy, giving back. Holding open doors, opening doors, lending a helping hand, holding someone’s hand – how rare has this become? Why? Where’d we go wrong? Is there a right turn in sight? What happened to being the best person we can be? What happened to decency?

Give a damn. Give a shit. You should. You need to. We all need to. In order for society to repair the wounds we’ve self inflicted, we need to start giving a hoot. Don’t give a damn about that Joe sitting next to you on the subway? At least give a much needed care for yourself. Respect yourself. Put your best foot forward. Never stop expanding your mind. Personal growth should never slow. Loving what you do, who you’re with, should be what you best know. Start with yourself in order to express yourself. Express that you care for those around you, that you give a damn for every woman and man. Live stronger than you did the day before. Prove to the world that what we’ve got in store, is compounding love galore. Make right with you before you can do. Do what’s right towards others, your sisters and your brothers. Our world needs a lil’ more good. It needs a lil’ extra decency.

Build on you. Start loving you, and sooner or later, you’ll start loving the world. You’ll begin to love others. I’m not saying become a selfish, self centered bastard, I’m saying start caring about what you put forth each and every day, this way, you’ll start caring for others in a more remarkable way. It won’t happen over night, but with time you’ll be impressed. You’ll be impressed and moved to confess, that the way you were living before wasn’t even close to your best, but much more like you couldn’t sink any less. I’m not saying that we all fall victim to nonchalant. I am saying that we all can do a lil’ more to help right a great deal of the wrong in this world. Care a little more than you did yesterday. That’s all.

That’s what I love about life. No matter what you’ve been through, no matter what did happen, or what’s happening right now – you’ve always got a chance to choose to change it. It may not happen over night, nothing worthwhile is, but sooner or later, sure enough, you’ll once again be provided in your hands a crisp blank page to write your new story on. Don’t believe me? Understand this – the only reason people fail to make right of their wrongs, is the potent, harshly limiting fact that they choose not to. They fail to believe there is a better way. They fall short of looking up, seeing and seizing the honest to goodness truth that no matter what route you’ve taken up until this point, the one you can take is entirely up to you to write/rewrite. Sometimes it takes a quick glance on what was, what is, in order to create the new chapter in your life.

Your life doesn’t have to be in shambles in order for you to write a new page. It doesn’t have to be on the brink of chaotic for you to long for something more. And once again that’s what I love about life. You could be at the edge of the world, one foot over, looking down, OR you could be at the top of the mountain simply praying for a more meaningful way. No matter where you’re at, no matter who you are – everyone can make the move that can change their groove. We all have the ability to create a new chapter in our lives. Something worth sharing, something worth being proud of. Don’t limit yourself to what you perceive as reality, start getting unrealistic. Start dreamin’ and thinkin’ big – start making moves that will shock those around you and yourself. Create a life worth reading for those you leave behind. 

If you could have seen the smile on her face, the enthusiastic clapping hands, the dancing in her seat, her eyes in awe – her beloved Rod Stewart was in town. Last night my Grandma and I and many thousands attended his concert here in Montreal at the Bell Centre. As he belted out hit after hit, I could see in the corner of my eye my Grandma smiling and singing having the time of her life. Filled with so much love and so much youth, the music was taking her back. I was a witness first hand that age aint nothing but a number. The young at heart spirit that she is, I did not expect anything less – nevertheless its always refreshing and inspiring to see my Grandma in action, having a blast, moving to the music and lettin’ the vibe take her away. She truly deserves it.

Its been a tough many years for my Grandma. My grandfather, her sister, her sister in law – all very ill the past 10 years or so. My Grandma there to take care of them every step of the way. There was a period of time far too long, where my Grandma wasn’t singing or dancing away to her favorite tunes. There was a shortage of reasons to laugh and smile and sing – yet somehow, my Grandma always kept shining. Not only does she look 25 years younger than she really is, her mentality, her attitude – forever young. Guess that’s why she smiled when Rod sang it last night.  

All this to say, last night was an eye opener for me. Not only did I have an evening I’ll never forget, it opened my mind and heart wide. I read and preach so much about living your life full out/giving it everything you’ve got/never giving up/be anything you want to be/have everything you want to have/laugh/smile/love life/enjoy – meanwhile, one of the greatest sources of inspiration and leadership has been so close to me all of my life. If you only knew how much my Grandma means to me, how much she’s always done for me, given to me, always been there for me – and how, she continues to do so to this day by simply being herself. Through her natural being, her character, her personality, her love for life and her deep, deep belief, that she will always be, forever young.